Apr 10, 2011

Love Is a Behavior

Adriana Tanese Nogueira

That many feel deep and true love I don't doubt. The question is that they don't know how to express it and, because of their passivity in words and gestures, the love they feel is like a treasure deposited in a safe whose key is lost. Once it's not available for the human profit, it does not exist.


The exercise of embodying love at each moment,each choice, and each behavior--and, if not in all of them, in the majority of them--is indispensable for the evolution of the human species. Loving a child without showing him your love with facts is useless. Love is a vital experience before being a concept. One first live something that later will be identified as the feeling of "love".

I see parents complaining about their children's lack of love: but wouldn't they be returning what they received? The famous sentence, "I've been working so hard in order to give you what you have" doesn't mean much to the child's ears. Neither the fact that the family seems to be united and loving: children soak up the dirt threw under the rug.

Also, the reason why their parents were out for so long, why school must become their first home, children cannot evaluate. They only know that they weren't with mom and dad. In the child's mind concepts such as bill, traffic and worries don't exist. Even less, can she understand that her parents would love to play with her, be amiable and available but they are not able to because of their own childhood or actual issues. A child only knows that his mom and dad were not emotionally there when he needed them. That is a memory that prints in the child's soul and manifests itself later in life.


Love only exists when is visible, concrete and palpable. Love has a flavor, a smell, and a texture. Love is a note, a call, a reminder; it's time and space; it's a cake, a smile, a party. A difficult choice for a bigger good. Love is protection, attention, care, and education. Love needs humility, availability, and dedication. Besides these conditions, let's be honest: there is no love. There can be an intention of love, a wish that that love, that dream hidden deep inside, comes true. But, it'll be for another life. In this one now, there's no love. There are other interests, conflicts, and advantages that have the preference, that are stronger and more important in one's life than loving. Therefore, let's stop the pathetic talks about "I love you..." when nothing makes this statement experiential.


Loving is demanding, and an effort. Loving is an investment. It's expensive and requires the same work if one loves a child or another person, or even a dog. One needs to get out of one's comfort zone, get out of the ego and its advantages. One may feel liking, a vague golden dream, but without the appropriate behavior, no love.


The couple's relationship is more complicated than the one with a child. In the first case, dedication only works when it's reciprocated, but in the second it must start from the adult. It's the grown up who gives the first step, sets an example showing "what and how it is". It's astounding the amount of parents who doesn't realize that their children need to have experienced love to be able to give it back later when their parents solicit it. Generating, birthing and upbringing is not enough. Mammals of all the species do that. The human species needs models of behavior to understand the word "love", and then they know how to reproduce it.

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